Wow … who can believe it is 2016!   This was ‘the future’ in so many movies I watched when I was much younger!  This means the future is here … we are living it.

This also means time passes so fast.  Sometimes in the blink of an eye.  It scares me sometimes to think how fast time can go.  My 11 year old said to me (last year now), I wish you’d had me when you were younger Mum, so we had more time together.  Wow.  I wish that too.  Though I don’t wish away the life I had.  But I wish for time with loved ones.  And lots of it.

2015 was great in many ways.  It also sucked in many ways – but I won’t go into the suckyness.  This year is about focusing on the good, and looking forward to the great.  This year my ‘baby’ will turn 2, my big boy will start Middle School and turn 12, and my angel baby will be 5.  And I’m not even going to think of the number I will turn.  I tell myself it is just a number, but it is the numbers it is heading towards that scare me.  I want time to slow down, so I can have more time to appreciate that which I love.

The start of the year sees us ‘getting our ducks in a row’ … translated to ‘the big de-clutter’.  My big boy had his room redecorated for Christmas, he got a cool new loft bed, and has de-cluttered his room.  This inspired the big cleanout, and while we are still in the midst of it, it feels really good, starting fresh – going forward with just what we want and need.

I worked hard in 2015.  KJdesigns did great, I had record sales and blew my sales target for Christmas out of the water by over 50%.  This meant lots of hard work, lots of long hours, lots and lots of stamping.  Luckily my husband has been home, so I’ve been able to work fulltime.  My studio is still in a bit of a mess, and is on the list to de-clutter.  I’m leaving it until last though, as I know once I get in there properly I’ll be all inspired and ready to start again for the year.  I’m kinda closed, but still open, and have made a few orders over the last few days – but I am on a self imposed break.

This means I’m taking time for ME.  I’ve read a book.  Done some colouring in.  Painted my nails.  Boring stuff – but stuff that I don’t normally have time to do, which means I appreciate it now, when I can.  It takes a while to get in the swing of relaxing, when you are not used to it.

2016 – we have started as we mean to go on.  De-cluttered, de-stressed, and motivated to enjoy and love living in 2016.

I wish everyone a relaxing and stressfree break – and hope 2016 brings with it all your hopes and dreams.

Suz x


Just do what you do … and be grateful for beauty

Well, again, despite my best intentions, it has once again been a while since I have posted.

Life has been challenging lately.  I won’t go into the details, but there are some big things to be overcome, lots to work through and move on from.  I like to think of the beautiful things in my life, which are my gorgeous boys, and my wonderful business  Some may think this is strange that my business is ‘wonderful’ to me, but it is my outlet, my way of keeping Koby alive to me, of remembering and honouring him.  And that to me is wonderful.

Lots of other things have been going on in my life, which I have found difficult to deal with.  Having an outlet which makes me feel good, is a godsend.  It keeps me going.

Today however, it wasn’t enough and for the first time in ages I got to visit Koby at the cemetary.  I visit with him daily in my mind, and a visit, with just me, to the cemetary is often physically difficult due to the other little people in my life.   At first there were other people out there, I always prefer it to be just me!  I like to lie on the ground in the sunshine by his gravestone and look at the sky and talk to him.  For some reason if there are people there before me, I feel a bit self conscious doing this.  However if people arrive after me, it doesn’t bother me so much.  Strange I know, but there you go.

So here I am, lying in the cemetary.  Its a beautiful spring day and the trees beside where Koby is are in full blossom.  Just beautiful.  Sometimes Koby has advice, sometimes he just listens.  It is good to be listened to.  Today he listened.  I could have slept out there.


As I lay looking up into the tree, I realised that it wasn’t just a beautiful tree, it was a hive of activity.  There was so much going on in that tree.  It was alive with insects and birds.  I specifically noticed there were hundreds of bees.  Bees, just doing what they do.   They were so busy, going from flower to flower.  Bumble bees too.  When the traffic noise slowed, I could hear the buzz of the multitude of bees.  Just doing what they do.


It made me think, why are humans so different.  Why does what we do have to be so complicated, and hurt  people.  Why cant we work together, focus on a common goal? What happened to kindness and courtesy?  What happened to treating others as you would like to be treated?  Why can’t people be grateful for what they have, instead of thinking of all they don’t have.  Yes it is great to have goals and things you strive for, but don’t forget all the great things you already have.  I don’t understand so many people.

Of course I miss Koby, and wish things were different for my Mum, but I love my babies, and I’m so grateful that I have them (though one would hate me calling him my baby!), I love my business and I’m grateful I have a house and food, security and that I live in a small town that is generally a bit sheltered to the crazyness of cities.  (Please note I said generally, as I know bad and crazy stuff happens everywhere).  I’m so grateful for the opportunites I’ve had so far in life, for the people I’ve met, and the places I’ve travelled to and lived in.  Everything I’ve done has led me here, with my babies, my family, my home, my business – lying here watching the bees just doing what they do in the beautiful tree filled with blossoms.

My conclusion … people should be more like bee’s.  Look after each other, do what they do, work as a team, and look after the planet.  Be grateful that there are blossom trees, and bees.  Be grateful for beauty.

Be grateful for beauty

Lots of news!

Well it has been a while again since I have blogged … I feel like I should confess … The reality is life is very busy.  Life with babies and children, life as a work at home Mum, wife and daughter.

My rainbow baby is now 18 months!  Amazing – he is such a delight and much loved by everyone.  He it totally gorgeous and such a character – he is very much loved by us all (of course!!)

My older boy is 11 years old and in his last year at primary school!  Wow !  Who would believe!  Off to middle school next year … that is a whole new experience for us both!

My Mum, well she has ups and downs.  Yesterday was a good day.  We had sunshine and went to the park and laughed as the little one ran and ran, and the kids played on the slide and swing.  It was lovely, and ‘normal’ and made my soul feel good and let me forget for a while that these good days with my Mum will get fewer and further between.  It has been a difficult few weeks as she hasn’t been feeling well, struggling to get out of bed, and feeling like the end was near.  It isn’t.  But it is how she feels.  We visit, get her out of bed, head across to the park if the weather is nice, or try and entertain her a bit in her room, while the little one tries to destroy everything.  She loves him though and ‘baby therapy’ is an amazing thing!

On a KJdesigns front – I have LOADS of amazing new products that I am so excited about!  You’ll have to check in with my facebook page to keep up to date… Here is a pic of one, and if you click on it you’ll be magically transported to my Facebook!

Circle Hearts CJW

Just one of many new designs I’ll have to show you all soon.

As a bonus – I’ll be giving away one of these gorgeous pendants when I reach 6000 fans on Facebook – which isn’t too far – so head on over and check it out!  There will also be a few other amazing personalised items from some of my favourite businesses that I’ll be giving away to celebrate – so you’ll want to check it out!

This is a new bracelet I made the other day – and I’m totally in love with it … It was a customers request and is now going to be a regular product I love it so much!

This is available on my website now :)

Brass and Bronze bracelet 2015

In more (exciting for me) news … I currently work from my dining room – and my husband is making me an office/studio out of our spare room!  So excited – I’ll be able to spread out and become more organised!  (or create more chaos – one of the two!)

We also recently held another auction to help raise funds for more cuddle cots .. This time for Auckland and Waitemata.  We successfully raised just over $4000 to go towards these.  More amazing kiwi businesses donated their time and products to be auctioned off for this awesome cause.  You can read more about what KJdesigns likes to do to give back by clicking on the image.

96 KJdesigns Elephants Never Forget Pendant

Thanks for checking in with us, and dont forget to pop over to Facebook so you don’t miss out on the big giveaway coming up!  Here are a couple of things (along with my pendant mentioned earlier) that will be given away to some lucky people!!

Rhi personalised taggy MonkiMooRoxanne Rose DesignMy Teddy from Toni choice of personalised cubby

See you there

Suz xxx



Well, time for another wee blog post from me.  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about ALL sorts of things.  I have a couple of new pendants to introduce to you … but I’ll share the story of why I made them first :)

One of them being how totally lucky I am to have given birth to 3 children.  I know one of them is not here with me, which makes me not so lucky.  But I know I am lucky that I have 2 beautiful children who woke up on Easter Morning. Even though it was 5am for one of them due to Daylight Savings ending … I got cuddles and kisses and I’m tired, I have these 2 beautiful children here and living with me.

I am very lucky to have my Rainbow Baby.  I don’t just have a story about baby – loss, I also have a story about infertility.  You see I was told before we got pregnant with Koby, our Angel Baby – that I would not conceive naturally.  I was 40 and my egg supply was low – the chance was around 1 % and in all reality that just would not happen.  At that time we decided that was ok, and we wouldn’t keep trying.  Then I got pregnant.  If you’ve read my story before you know that pregnancy resulted in our beautiful baby Koby being born at 23+1 weeks, and us having to say goodbye to him.

Following our loss of Koby, I/we were desperate to have another baby – me more so.  However I was still over 40.  Over 41 by then.  Odds were even lower and when I visited the GP she didn’t make me wait and ‘try’ the suggested amount of time, but immediately gave me a referral.  Because of my age, and the fact we had other children, we were not eligable for any funding.  Also because of my age the specialist suggested we do IUI rather than IVF as the odds for me of this working were around the same. As we were paying for it ourselves, IVF being around 3 times as expensive as IUI, we decided that would be the way to go.

I remember that first cycle so clearly.  So excited.  But so scared to get my hopes up.  After all the chances were still only around 5% that I would conceive.  Then there were other numbers that I knew, they had spelled it out to me, 50% chance of early loss in the first 12 weeks.  You are OVER 40.  Yes I know.  Please don’t keep saying that.  Then of course a greater chance of a 2nd or 3rd trimester loss…. Yes – odds were against us.  But you have to have hope.  You have to put yourself out there, to get anything back.

A thing I’ll let you in on – I am TERRIFIED of needles.  So this was a HUGE thing for me.  Daily blood tests, lots of them.  Then – I had to inject myself in the stomach.  That first injection – I sat there with the needle crying and shaking and too scared to do it, for about half an hour.  My husband then said he would do it … That scared me more, so I eventually did it.  Evil.  But I did it.  Twice that cycle I think. They did get easier.  Though I did still cry sometimes.   More blood tests.  Then “D” day when hubby’s ‘swimmers’ are inserted into me.  The first time with that was scarey as I didn’t know what to expect.  Then two very long weeks of waiting.  Then second guessing every feeling, every thought … Then … disappointment.  Sadness.  Anger.  Resentment.  Then hope again as we decide to do 3 cycles.

And away we go again.  Hope. Disappointment.  Sadness.  Anger.  Resentment.  Followed by Hope.  2 more cycles.  The same.  Meeting again to discuss options.  Well there aren’t really except to do more of the same.  This time, with our agreement we decide to increase the drugs and hope for more follicles – more chances.  3 more cycles.  We will do 6 in total.  That is all our finances will allow.

Hope.  Disappointment.  Sadness.  Anger.  Resentment.  Hope.  A couple of cycles I was late.  I ‘FELT PREGNANT’ – but I wasn’t – what a cruel joke.

I spent the best part of 14 months (we missed quite a few cycles over Xmas, our wedding and other times for ‘mental health’ reasons) in this cycle of injections and needles and inseminations and hope followed by disappointment, anger, sadness and every emotion you can imagine.

When do you give up?  When do you admit that you are not going to get something you want so badly?  Something that it seems everyone and their dog can get, without even trying?  You wonder why the universe is so cruel to not allow you this one thing you want so badly.  You see babies and pregnant woman everywhere.  You already have a child, maybe you should just stop and be grateful for what you have…. This I heard quite a bit.  But I was so driven, after Koby, to hold my own baby and bring my own baby, alive and kicking into this world I couldn’t see how I could stop trying.  Isn’t stopping admitting defeat?

6 cycles.  Done and dusted.  The most you are medically allowed to do is 12.  We decided to do all 12.  Then we’d know we’d done all we could.  I started accupunture and chinese medicine.  I believed that this would help.  My accupunturist knew points going back centuries – he believed in what he did.  We were doing all we could.

Cycle no. 7.  My period arrived 3 days early.  It was like the universe laughing at me and kicking me in the guts.  A sign?  Were we just throwing money away that we didn’t have.  All our savings had gone.  Perhaps we should stop.

I decided to take a month off TTC and resign from my job to do KJdesigns full time.  I couldn’t cope with TTC, work and my business – something had to give and first it was my job.  At least I had KJdesigns which was my passion, my ‘baby’.  I was unsure of my future, I couldn’t form a mental picture of what it should be, I couldn’t see a baby – but couldn’t make myself envision my life without that hope.  Logic dictated we should give up.  The odds were so low – the specialist had said to us, we could do this 100 times and you’d still not get pregnant, or we could do this 1 time and you could.  And in the back of my mind I hung onto the 2nd part of that, and discarded everything else, including the niggling, even if you get the odds at 5% and get pregnant – and you are believing in 5% – how will you get past the 50% that you wont stay pregnant longer than 12 weeks.  Would all this be for nothing and we’d be grieving another baby?

My mind went over and over and round in circles.  Did all this mean we shouldn’t open ourselves to that risk of such heartbreak again?  What should I do – I could do 5 more cycles … I could.  I knew emotionally, if I didn’t – I’d not be able to look back comfortably – I had to try.  But I needed a break.

In amongst all this angst, I’d finished work…. and got busy with my new work.  Suddenly I realised I was a few days late.

Have I told you my story about the pregnancy tests?  Well I will again … I was scared of testing, cos I knew I wasn’t – it would just be some evil fate laugh thing happening again, my body adjusting to the lack of drugs.  But I had to stop playing mind games, so needed that negative test to carry on.  I went into a different than usual supermarket (in case anyone saw me!)… as I was going in I looked to the skies, to Koby, and asked for a sign.  Nothing.  Big clear blue sky with nothing in it.  Not even a bird or a cloud… nothing I could even pretend was a sign.  I went in couldn’t find any and came out again.  Stupid I thought, just go home.  Then as I came out, there was a massive bright rainbow up in the sky and I heard a voice in my head ‘Mum making a rainbow takes time you know’ …. And I knew.  I went to my usual supermarket, drove home, tested, and OMG we had made our own rainbow (and rainbows take time to make).  I was 42 with less than 1% chance of conceiving naturally … and it happened!

I know everyone doesn’t have this ending, and I’m so lucky I do.  I know I was very close to giving up.  But miracles do happen.  Sometimes.  And I got one.  I wish for everyone else out there TTC, that they may get a miracle too <3  But if they don’t, I wish for them peace to accept the life they are forced to live.  I know the path to that peace is long and winding, and filled with lots of potholes, and I’m not too sure how far along that road  I had travelled before our miracle happened.

On that note – and this post was just supposed to be introducing a couple of new necklaces … here they are <3

I wish for you waiting PendantI wish for you Pendant

Thanks for reading.  Peace and Love.

Suz x

Fundraising Auction for One More Cuddle

Well here I am, not very good at keeping up with this blog :)

I’ve been busy arranging an Fundraising Auction for One More Cuddle.  This was started by a friend who is fundraising for a Cuddle Cot for her local hospital.  A cuddle cot is a cooling device placed in a cot or basinette to give parents the gift of time with their baby who has sadly passed.  Her goal is to raise funds for this first cuddle cot, then continue to raise funds to cots around the country.

As you all know this is a cause very dear to my heart.  I donated a few items for her to sell, then another friend offered something and suggested we do an auction … and so we have an auction … coming up on 22 Feb!  One more sleep.

Here are some pic’s of the items available.  Please click on them to visit my Facebook page where you can see – and share – and bid on anything you might like!

Whimzee Rochelle quilt Bunny bubkins kim reid Birds Nest Bunting Angela Baker Cot store monique Dream of angels pendant Hive Bee Doll Mano Rato 2

Mayhen Creations 2

MelodyArt and Designs 3 The Lilybug project tammy bunt

with love from owl and monkey 1

Any comments, likes, share etc are most appreciated – and as a heads up – there will be a ‘prize’ for the person who does the most ‘promoting’ (via like, comment, share, tagging friends) on the Auction album, or any of the items!

Thanks all for reading <3

Suz x

Random thoughts about my Angel and Rainbow

So we are approaching my Rainbow babies first birthday.  I can’t believe how fast his first year has gone!  I can’t believe my baby is about to be 1!  Who would have thought?  Certainly not me – if you had told me this 2 years ago – even a year ago – I would have doubted you.

But – just over a week until he is 1.  He is cheeky.  He is walking.  Almost running.  He is smiley and happy.  He gives great cuddles and kisses.  He loves his Sleepytot toy.  He laughs alot.  He loves blueberries and cheese.  Seperately – or together – he’s not too fussy.  He is friendly and sociable, and loves meeting new people.  He is turning into a big chatterbox.  He is one of the loves of my life.

Another, of the loves of my life – turned 3 at the end of last year.  Well, is that the right phrase – I think it is what we baby – loss Mum’s might say.  Those without angels probably wouldn’t say it that way.  It was 3 years since he died.  3 years since we said hello and goodbye.  Its hard to imagine a 3 year old.  Its hard to imagine what he might have been like.  In fact its so hard to imagine – I don’t.  I’m not sure why I don’t.  I know lots of others who do – who wonder what they would be doing now – now he is 3.  Or when he was 2.  What he might have looked like.  I often wonder if there is something wrong with me, that I don’t wonder that.  To me, he is still my baby.  He’ll always be my baby.  My forever baby.  Forever a baby.

I know others with Rainbow babies – wonder if their Angel baby would have looked like their Rainbow – or acted like them ..  I haven’t really – and I was wondering why.  I think they were quite different.  I don’t have an image of Koby as a 1 year old, though of course I know what Devon will look like as a 1 year old.  Would they have been similar?  Probably as they are brothers, but it’s not something I picture.  Do people continue to age in heaven?  I don’t know if they do, but then I think of him playing – and as a newborn, a very premmie one, that isn’t something he could do.

I don’t know if I believe in heaven.  I do  – believe in something .. because I choose to think of my baby, playing there, with other babies who couldn’t make it here for a life on Earth.  So sometimes I call it heaven – just to give it a name.

There was a boy once – where my 10 year old goes swimming.  A little boy – also called Koby.  I looked at him, and knew instantly that is what my Koby would have been like.  He was older than Koby would have been – maybe 5 – but when I saw him – even before I heard his name – I thought he looked like what Koby might have.  He was cute, quite slim, brown haired, cheeky.  But I’d never pictured Koby as a 5 year old – so that was surprising to me …. but I just knew.  I’ve not seen another child, of any age, and had that feeling before, or since.

I was visiting Koby this weekend gone.  I lay out there in the grass for an hour or so.  His gravestone is under a beautiful tree, and it was a very hot day, so I lay in the shade and talked to Koby.  I tend to repeat myself a bit, trying to get my thoughts in order.  Sometimes they don’t manage to get in order, and then I look at the clouds, and we look at the shapes.  A yellow leaf fell out of the tree at some stage.  The summer tree full of bright green leaves, and a single yellow leaf fell on me.

I went for a walk while I was there.  Koby has some new neighbours.  My Grandparents are also there, and another wee angel baby I’m sure Koby is playing with.  Its a beautiful place.

Now it is Devons birthday coming up, the first birthday of the baby I didn’t think I’d ever have, I wish his big brother Koby was here, getting excited about a birthday party!

I’ve decide to put Devon’s name on Kobys headstone … His other siblings are named, so I’m wanting to add ‘big brother of Devon’.  Something for Koby, for Devon’s birthday.

My babies – 1, 3 and 10.  Love them all.  Sunshine, Angel & Rainbow x

Behind The Scenes

So I thought I’d share a few behind the scenes kind of photos.  It was a spur of the moment idea, I asked my husband to take some pictures of me as I was working, hadn’t put too much thought into it.  Then I realised I was wearing clothes that had baby spew on them, I hadn’t done my hair, and didn’t have any makeup on.  Ah well, this is reality of me working most days, so I decided to share with you guys anyway.

I could say that I made them black and white to make it look more ‘documentary’ style, but really I did it disguise the baby spew, lack of makeup and wrinkles etc…. so anyway, black and white.  Looks more ‘behind the scenes’ I’m sure of it.

So this is where I work.  I used to have my studio room, a room all for me.  However our family expanded, and now I have a corner of the dining room.  The upside is, I have windows to the side of me, and in front of me, and a view out to Kobys garden.  Note my little helper sitting under my set.  Being a work at home Mum, generally means I do most of my stamping when he is asleep, but in the weekends I can get some done when hubby is home to entertain the little man.

I have expanded onto the dining table, though I do have to clear that regularly so we can eat!


Handstamping means every letter, number, design stamp, is individually imprinted onto the metal using a hammer.  This is a noisy job, and sometimes a painful job, I’ve hit my thumb more times than I like to remember.


My trusty hammer, with a glint in the handle (like a glint in his eye).


My hammer & I (again).


Deep in concentration … as much as one can be with a baby under your feet, and a camera pointing at you.  I note my bad posture, and plan to make an effort to sit better, next time :)


My trustee printer repair man, having a look, he’s sure there is an issue there somewhere… or just something shiny, that needs investigating.


And … me … no more photos please – I actually do need to do some work!


So, you will also note, that my desk is a MESS.  This is a result of limited time, lots of orders, lots of work, and not enough time to actually clear my desk.  It is marginally organised, but yes, still mess.  I know where everything is though, and that is the main thing.

So thats me really … in amoungst the mess, there is order.  All in black and white, so it looks more factual, and less ‘Mummy’.  Hope you found it a little interesting.

Suz x